An average Nigerian with a low budget face this type of dilemma often, most especially the people that want to buy their first car but they don't have that millions of Naira to splash out on a car.
Monday, 21 September 2015
Funny Answers To Common Nigerian silly Questions
Here are some funny answers to some silly questions nigerians asks...
1) Where are you going?; I am going to fight, care to join me?
This seem to be a very diplomatic appropriate answer if you really don't want to disclose your where about to the person.
2) I did not see you in church yesterday, why?; that is because I did not go to church yesterday. Where you expecting me to say ' oh I went with my invincible cloak'?
3) Can I have a dance?; yes, but just you alone please...
Who cares, you can have a fight sef, as long as am not involved.
4) Na you I dey see so?; nope, I am at home, na my display picture you
dey see... If you can ask your brain if it is interpreting well, then you must be a dunce...
5) Are you sleeping?; Yes
No need to talk further, even if your eyes are wide open, this answer
should shut them up.
6) Are you laughing at me?; well you can start laughing also so that I would be laughing with you Laugh na laugh, I am laughing,which one is at you again?
7)What is your watch saying?; sorry, my watch does not talk.
Or would you ask my watch yourself?
Why is everywhere stuffy?; I don't know, I have been asking the room too.
Abi na me be the room air freshner ni?
9) Why have you not been picking my calls?;
oh, sorry, I did not see them fall..
I be like 'picker' for your eyes
10) Am bored, can you make me happy?;
can I make you sad as well?
Or better still, 'you can go to heaven for a while...
BEST PAID DEGREE/JOBS IN NIGERIA TODAY
Although the importance of hard work cannot be overemphasised in any chosen profession, experts have said that studying some particular degrees will not only give you an edge in the job market, it also determines the amount of income you take home at the end of the day.
For example, in the oil and gas sector, petroleum,mechanical, chemical and electrical/electronics engineers at an entry level earn as much as N3.5m per annum, depending on the organisation. Other high paying engineering fields include software engineers and computer engineers who employ IT skills, whether they are in the oil and gas sector or the telecommunication sector. They stand to earn as high as N400,000 per month for a start, and it could increase to about N5m to N15m per annum, depending on the years of experience.
A fresh engineering graduate in the oil and gas sector could
earn between N7m and N9m per annum, which goes higher to about N12m or N15m per annum after five years of experience. engineers in the oil and gas sectors earn the same salary, notwithstanding the area of specialisation at the entry level, until they undergo in-house training graduates with non- engineering courses like computer science, information technology, software programmers with professional certifications which include JAVA, CISCO, ORACLE and other networking skills working in the telecommunications companies would get between N200,000 and N750,000 as starters.
An Oracle specialist, database programmer, manager and software experts with five to 10 years’ working experience in a telecoms company will earn between N5m and N15m per annum.
Suffice to say, all the aformentioned top earning degrees have one thing in common ––mathematical skills.
Graduates of Economics, Accounting, Marketing as well as Banking and Finance and other business related fields working in the banking and investment sectors also get fat salaries before the recent down-sizing in the sector, a fresh graduate at the entry level in any of the new generation banks earned between N2m and N2.5m per annum.
Fresh accountants could earn fat paychecks of about N2m per annum if self-employed or working in private and multinational organisations, government still had a poor salary scale for this level of professionals.
Marketers, also known as business development officers, could earn between N50,000 and N300,000 monthly at the entry level, depending on the level of results achieved and the organisation hiring.
Medicine, law, nursing and pharmacy, which were the hot
cakes in the 70‘s, 80‘s and 90‘s, were no longer paying as
well as they used to be.
This is the age of the mind; the age of creativity.
It has been noted that medical doctors were poorly paid. “In
fact, they are only paid living allowance when you compare
them with their colleagues in engineering and
telecommunication.
In government hospitals, at entry level, doctors are paid less
than N1m per annum. But they could earn higher if they
specialise and become consultants.
In the medical line, specialists, including obstetricians,
cardiologists, gynaecologists, dentists and surgeons were
the highest earners any of these specialists working in
reputable hospitals like Reddington Hospital in Lagos could
earn N750,000 and above monthly.
A nurse in government hospital in Nigeria earns less than
N100,000 per month. Their pay could rise to N400,000 when
they become matrons.
Pharmacists are not left out; most pharmaceutical companies
pay fresh graduates between N500,000 and N900,000 per
annum, and it could increase to N2m or N3m after about
eight- or nine-year job experience.
Teaching profession is not that competitive, a teacher’s take
home pay was between the range of N50,000 and N70,000
per month in some secondary schools, and could be as high
as N200,000 per month in some other schools.
Journalists –– editors to be precise –– with five to 10 years
experience and they offer between N40,000 and N60,000 per
month.
Lawyers do not earn much. fresh lawyers could earn between
N50,000 and N120,000 per month depending on the
chambers or organisations they work for.
THINGS YOU WONT GET TO DO ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS.
After kids you don't get to:
1, Be Selfish -
Remember when you could order a dessert, or
a smoothie, or a sandwich with chips, and no one asked for a bite, piece, chunk, stuck their finger in it, put their mouth on it or stole the whole thing? Or what about wearing a sweater that you'd never have to give up because some
little person said she would be fine without one, but was wrong? Or being able to use the entire coverage of the
umbrella (I mean any coverage)? Yes, I remember those things too, vaguely. Aside from the fact that you share your
things to make your children happy, it's literally an illegal parenting move to not share - because it goes against
everything you've taught them since like … birth! Now that J is a preteen he mooches my Starbucks. MY SACRED LATTES!(I may need to revisit how important sharing is.)
2, Be Unclad.
Unclothedness may seem like no big deal …
until your toddler compares your bosoms to cow bells, then
it's clothes on for the long haul. No walking to the laundry
room to look for a clean bra. No blowing your hair or putting
on make up, sans robe. No birthday suit appearances at ALL,
without worrying that your body may be the cause of their
therapy in later life. Seriously, J actually asks if I'm clothed
constantly, and when he has accidentally walked in on me Unclad he covers his eyes and screams as if the vision has seared a retina. (It's real confidence inducing.)
3, Be Sick -
A couple years ago, I wrote a comparison of what
happens when moms get sick vs. dads getting sick .
Needless to say, dads (like moms pre-kids) tend to act as if
they have the plague and moms act as if the world continues
to spin, because it DOES! Yep, Doctor's appointments still
stand, sports games aren't cancelled, kids still need to be
fed and bathed. Before kids one could sit home for a week
throwing snot filled tissues in a pile on the floor, bathing
once every other day … or two, moaning, and binging on
Sudafed. Now recuperation consists of you sucking on a
lozenge while driving carpool in your comfy sweats. AWESOME.
4, Do Nothing -
No, for the rest of your parenting life you will have purpose … every minute of every day. Whether it's cleaning, cooking, working, running errands, trying to stay fit, keeping the kids entertained, happy, fed, clean, healthy, or from beating each other up - you will be doing something. Even the rare times that you're "doing nothing" you're doing
something, it's called, maintaining sanity. (So yes, hiding in your closet, hoping for a few minutes span before the kids find you, totally counts.)
5, Have Crazy Sex.
Yes, there was probably a time when all
your encounters didn't take place in the bedroom between the hours of 9PM and midnight. Maybe you were loud, maybe
you couldn't make it past the kitchen, maybe you moved from room to room leaving a trail of garments in your wake.
Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho. I'm sorry, the thought of having that much energy or desire gets me before I even mention that it's off limits with little ones around.
6, Watch One Of YOUR Shows With the Kids.
Aside from the
fact that half the stuff I like is inappropriate, damn you
Breaking Bad for being so good, watching a show with them
is like having lunch with Gilbert Gottfried (well, what I
imagine it would be like). "Mom, why did Clare yell at Juan
Pablo? She's whiny, do you think she's whiny?" "Ohhh Mom
Ma, look at this trick I can do on the sofa." "Watch I'll do a
somersault, oops I kicked you in the head, tee hee hee."
"Did she go team Adam?" "Do you think Shakira is pretty? Do
you think she's prettier than you, I do." "Mom, mom, mom,
mom, listen to me do the cup song 8000 more times." "Look
at the cat! How funny is it when I do this to her."
7, Get a GOOD Night's Sleep. Now, let me clarify, my kids are
older so yes, I can usually sleep through the night,
buuuuutttt if there is so much as a cough or sniffle in the
wee hours, I'm out like a shot. Which begs the question,
"How deep are we sleeping when a late night rollover could
wake us from across the house?" And let's not forget waking
up to pee (our bladders aren't what they used to be), to
check the kids (again), to let the dog out, and to look at
the clock and assess how many more hours of sleep you
could get - if you were in fact sleeping. Then once the kids
are even older, I'm guessing you can't sleep until they're
safely home and in bed. So basically, sleep is pretty much
ruined for decades.
Oh well, I guess you can't really miss things you never knew
you had. Plus, if there's anyone who gets to steal my latte
… or my sanity, it's my kiddos.
HEALTH BENEFIT OF DRINKING WATER IN AN EMPTY STOMACH.
Hydration is super important for several reasons, first your body is composed of about 60% water, fluids exit our bodies every minute, from skin evaporation, breathing and urine, and these losses must be replaced daily for good health.
Good benefits of drinking water in the morning:
1. Drinking water on an empty stomach cleans the colon, making it easier
to absorb nutrients.
2. Creates the production of new blood and muscle cells.
3. Essential for weight loss, drinking cold water first thing in the morning
can accelerate your metabolism.
4.Healthy looking Skin, water helps to eliminate toxins from the blood
making your skin glow and look clear and smooth.
5. Balances your Lymph System. These glands help you perform your daily
functions, balance your body fluids, and fight infection.
WATER TREATMENT
There is a new trend coming from Japan these days: Japanese drink hot
tea with their meals and use a treatment method that has no side effects
and it consists on drinking water at certain times with certain amounts
along the day starting first thing in the morning, at the start of the treatment
frequent urination is normal, it had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for many diseases and illnesses
such as:
Headache, body ache, heart system, arthritis, fast heart beat, epilepsy,
excess fatness, bronchitis asthma, TB, meningitis, kidney and urine diseases, vomiting, gastritis, diarrhea, piles, diabetes, constipation, all eye diseases, womb, cancer and menstrual disorders, ear nose and throat diseases.
Drinking cold water:
- Side effects of drinking cold water with a meal: all the oils in the food you
are consuming will solidify meaning it will not only slow the digestion
process but then it will react with the acid breaking down and the intestine
will absorb the food faster, turning into fat , opt for drinking hot soup or
warm water after a meal instead.
METHOD OF TREATMENT:
1. In the morning before brushing teeth, drink 4 x 160ml glasses of water
2. Brush and clean the mouth but do not eat or drink anything for 45
minutes
3. After 45 minutes you may eat and drink as normal.
4. After 15 minutes of breakfast, lunch and dinner, do not eat or drink
anything for 2 hours
5. For older and sick people taking the treatment: drink little water and
gradually increase it to 4 glasses per day
6. The above method of treatment will cure diseases of the sick too
The following list gives the number of days of you should follow the
process to treat this diseases:
1. High Blood Pressure (30 days)
2. Gastric ( 10 days)
3. Diabetes (30 days)
4. Constipation (10 days)
5. TB (90 days)
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